This is my world. Where I strive to do the best
I can to live for Jesus in every way.
You'll see where I fail, fall short and fall flat on my face. Then you'll see Jesus pick me up and keep going.
Beating the Odds - I wrote this post in 2017 and it is a great starting place to start to learn about our marriage and how we are beating the odds.
I'm not sure we could ever imagine what worse, poorer, and sickness really are when saying our wedding vows. At least I'm not sure I could.
I thought if we were already broke then there was no where to go but up. I was wrong.
I thought nothing could be worse from what we had both already endured on our own. I was wrong.
I thought sickness meant only physical ailments. I was wrong.
Seventeen years later, I know that the worse, sickness, and possibly poorer days are still ahead. Still, I love thee.
What could be worse than losing our family home, business, and relationships, and a grandbaby we never got to hold? Losing our parents, a child, a grandchild we have held in our arms. Yes, that is worse.
What sickness could be worse than mental battles and chronic pain? SOOOO many things. How naive I was to think those hurdles count as beating some odds, yet, I know they all add up.
We've learned that poor is a spiritual state and we prefer the word broke in relation to finances. So being poor is worse than being broke.
We knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm not sure we knew it would be this hard. Still, I love thee.
Today, I cherish what odds we have overcome and know that together we can beat the ones that are ahead because we are not fighting these odds on our own. As long as we continue to mutually submit to God, we can and WILL continue to beat the odds. Because of Him, the odds are are ever in our favor. 😉
I won't cry out for the challenges to come our way because, honestly, with our magnetic personalities, they are drawn to us; or so it seems. I am grateful that I have you to journey this crazy world together at my side and I'll not think of the only thing that will release us from our vows.
Roy and I had SO much fun directing Kids Camp this summer. He was a good sport and went along with wearing matching shirts each day!
My Superman!
"Theme" shirts! My Superman and His Wonder Woman
Our shirts from 2016
Our shirts from 2015
Day 4... wearing 2016 Jr High Camp shirts
2017 camp shirts!
We learned a lot. We had a blast. We are thrilled to have our first year under our belts and excited for future camps! 2018 camp planning is seriously underway and we are gearing up for fun, conversations about hearing God's voice, more fun, lots of singing, and building relationships! Check out Quaker Hill Camp for more information about attending one of our summer camps!
One way God speaks to me is through music and this song is SHOUTING! I've always associated being in over my head as a negative thing. A place that meant I was overwhelmed, stressed, and sinking. There have been several times since I accepted the call to pastor a church where I not only felt I was in over my head but I knew it (and others did, too, I'm sure)!
So, associating going under with beautifully in over my head really took my breath away. That sinking or swimming was not the point but trusting God that I was exactly where He wanted me to be was and if that place is over my head then I'm not relying on my strength or power or knowledge but HIS!
BEAUTIFUL!
I've just come off a sabbatical week and this song played non-stop through my heart and mind. Is this a new or different way of thinking for you? Am I the only one who felt that sinking or swimming was the point and if I sunk it meant I failed and if I stayed afloat then I was better off? Am I the only one who focused on the action of sinking or swimming and not the letting go of control and trusting God with whatever the outcome?
Who's ready to say, "Come and do whatever You want to" to God with me? To say with assurance, "Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours."
"In Over My Head"
I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to
I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would You come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would You take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Since graduating this past May with my MA in Quaker Studies from Barclay College, I have been trying to figure out what my new life is without school! Figuring out the hours in my day, interactions with my family, church involvement, and home has its challenges but I am enjoying the time spent with my friends and family.
I have also been preaching at Whitney Friends Church, in Boise, directing Kids Camp at Quaker Hill with Roy, and accepting the position of Recording Clerk for Northwest Yearly Meeting!
Whitney Friends has summaries of my sermons on their website:
Transparency is something people desire - real people in their real lives being honest about their dirt. Here is a glimpse into my marriage and how we are beating the odds stacked against us before we ever married. What odds?
For starters, while this is my first marriage, it is my
husband’s second marriage. Right away,
our marriage is categorized as higher risk.
Another factor that increases our odds of divorce is the
fact my husband already had children. To
make that increase even higher, they lived with us! Why might that increase the odds of our
marriage failing? Numerous articles and
personal testimonies talk about adding children to the equation. Learning to adjust to the relationships your
spouse has with his/her children and the extended family that were “pre-you” is
complicated. Tensions rise when
loyalties are questioned and conflict closely follows. Children struggle with the changes that come
with their biological parent’s re-marrying, and the separation that naturally
occurs with their extended families.
As the parent of the children, learning to value and honor
both spouse and children is difficult when a choice has to be made. Someone is going to end up hurt and angry,
creating the tension mentioned above.
Most cases feel like a lose-lose situation, especially in the early
days. We remember those early days well
and they are not fond memories, either.
Let’s take a look at a check-list of things that make
relationships higher risk for divorce:
üPreviously divorced
üHaving divorced parents (he does, I do not)
üParents re-married after divorce (significantly
increases divorce rates)
üChildren from prior marriages/relationships
üAlcohol and/or drug abuse – thankfully we met in
recovery
üExtreme financial difficulties (make less than
$50,000/year)
üExperiencing economic recovery
oCo-habitation
oPremarital
pregnancy
oMarrying
at a young age (statistics state marriages before the age of 21 have a higher
divorce rate).
oNo
religious affiliation
üAge discrepancy of 8 or more years
üBi-racial couple
oEither
or both smoke
oEither
or both drink two or more alcoholic beverages a day (average)
oEither
or both have a cancer diagnosis
üLive in America
üRaising daughters (as opposed to sons)
üChronic pain (him)
üDepression (me)
This list is in no way complete. Active alcohol and drug use, abuse, and
infidelity are not mentioned above but those high risk factors certainly
increase the odds of a marriage ending in divorce.
It is overwhelming looking at the list above and how many
check-marks there are. How are we
beating these odds? Some of these odds
have significant increase percentages, so high that if we added them together
we should have divorced long ago. So
what are we doing (and what have we done) to protect our relationship?
Church Home. We are invested in a church family and they
invest in us. Having a home church,
studies say, decreases the odds of divorce.
We have had a church family since before we were married and we see the
benefit of having them in our marriage and in the health of our family.
Counseling. Not only pre-marital counseling, but
counseling through different times of our marriage. We see counseling getting a bad rap for
couples. That it means you are on the
verge of divorce. A last ditch effort to
save your marriage. We see it entirely
differently! We see it as marriage maintenance! Getting a different perspective, creating a
safe place to discuss hot topics, and seeking the counsel of another are
helpful in working through stressful situations and decisions.
Financial PeaceUniversity
(FPU). We are not joking when we say
FPU likely saved our marriage. Financial
strain and stress is a HIGH divorce factor.
This course, and the people in our class, made a significant impact in
our lives. We consider three of these
couples ones we can share our financial woes without fear of judgment. Having a budget
and talking openly with one another about financial fears is ongoing. Not allowing our finances to determine our
happiness was HUGE! We may be broke but
we are not poor.
Recovery. For two people who met in Alcoholics
Anonymous, we cannot ever afford to forget that we are in recovery. Self-care and accountability are needed and
support of the other to keep their own recovery as a priority is needed in our
relationship.
Medication. Being willing to seek medical attention for my
depression is an ongoing self-care decision.
Taking my medication keeps the various hormones and chemicals in my body
more balanced and makes daily living easier.
There are some factors we have never had control over, like
our parents. We cannot change our age
difference, our race, the gender of our children, and where we were born and
raised (we can chose what country we live in).
Let’s be honest, we had no idea what we were getting
ourselves into. While we knew what
issues we were starting with, well most of them anyway; we did not know what
struggles were in our future. None of us
do. Being real with one another, other people, is a way we can learn from each other.
We did not know what secrets the other kept, that things from our past would
raise their ugly heads and knock us down.
We knew we had scars but we did not know how deep those scars went and
what healing still needed to happen. We
did not know we would need to have emotional and spiritual surgery and re-open
wounds we thought had healed.
We did not know the number of fights we would have over
money, children, and decisions we were making.
We did not know the number of tears that would fall because of the harsh
words said by the other. We were two
people, two broken people, who were trying to making a whole couple.
In order to make something whole from broken pieces, you
need all of the pieces, or at least something to fill the missing area. Once we learned we could not be whole, we
learned God could and would fill the broken areas and we could be broken
together. The first time I heard the
song, “Broken Together,” by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms, I bawled - tears
streaming down my face, snot too. It was
us. God healed us. God heals us,
still. Daily.
So, here we are. Beating the odds, one day at a time; some days are good, some not-so-good, and some are flat out awful, but here we are. We made a commitment to one another and to God. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV) says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” As long as we keep God in the center of our marriage and each of us are willing to put the other before ourselves, to be on each other’s side, each the strongest supporter of the other, praying together and dying to self each day, we will continue to beat the odds that have been stacked against us since before we married. #BrokenTogether #EgalitarianMarriage #BeatingTheOdds
Yesterday was a bad day. Now, bad is relative. For some, having another snow day makes it a bad day. I'll be the first to admit to groaning when I learned we were having YET ANOTHER snow day today! A bad day for me usually means my responses are a bit snippy, everyone and everything is on my nerves, but I can pull out of it.
A bad day used to mean something entirely different. It was dark. Heavy. Unmanageable. Interfering with daily life. After exhausting every non prescription idea and remedy, I finally got to the desperation place to try an antidepressant; much to my family's relief. I hated the first ones I tried as they made me not feel anything. When I finally found one that made the highs not so high and the lows not so low, I kept taking it. Then, we decided to start a family so I stopped taking it for several years while I was pregnant and/or nursing.
Fast forward to depression interfering with daily life again and getting back to the place of admittance that an antidepressant is needed. Which brings us back to yesterday...
Due to a situation with our insurance and a mistake they made, I was delaying filling my Rx until my co-pay was back in working order. I started decreasing my dose and getting two days per pill in hopes of any day the co-pay would be back and I could fill my Rx. Well, without talking to anyone (stupid pride), my bottle ran out and I went a couple days without - cold turkey (a big no-no). After several hours of misery yesterday, I called the pharmacist and found out my Rx was not super expensive! I then found a coupon online that reduced the price by a third! Prescription filled and full dose was back in order. YAY!
This post is not a Rx pusher but a "real life" post about life with depression. I learned several things this past week. One - my Rx is needed. Two - Should I decide to stop taking said Rx, I need to do so gradually so I do not have horrid withdrawal symptoms (shakes, skin crawling, skin itching, skin tender to the touch, foggy head). Third - I need to get the facts of my situation before making decisions (price was affordable and this whole thing could have been avoided if I had called pharmacy 10 days ago). Four - I need to tell my hubby when I start messing with my dosage so he is at least aware my mental health is being compromised.
Sometimes depression is for a season. Sometimes it is because of a season. Sometimes it just is. There are MANY things one can do to ease the symptoms of depression and these help the overall mental health of people in general: spiritual disciplines, exercise, eating healthy, vitamins, and essential oils to name a few. I feel better in every way when I am disciplined in those areas. For some of us, though, that is not enough. And that is okay. Sometimes medical issues can be controlled without prescriptions. I manage my cholesterol without an Rx (through diet and exercise), another family member controls high blood pressure through diet and exercise; so sometimes mental health issues can be controlled and managed without a Rx. Sometimes, a prescription is needed to get things under control faster (high blood pressure or cholesterol, for example) and then the number can be managed without the Rx. All this to say, sometimes a prescription is needed and sometimes it is not. It does mean the person who chooses to take a Rx is taking the easy way out nor does it mean they are less of a person for taking said Rx.
Anyway, yesterday was a bad day. Today is better. Tomorrow will be better yet (especially if the kids go to school). Mental health issues do not need to be taboo. I love Jesus and He loves me and our relationship is not based on whether or not I take a pill. Conversations about depression and other mental health issues are needed in the church so we can better support one another. We talk about other health issues - it's high time we talk about this one, too.
Here is a snip-it of Scripture that is currently speaking to me. Feel free to read the whole section, though, for the bigger picture:
O lord, you are my lamp. The lord lights up my darkness. In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall. “God’s way is perfect. All the lord ’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. 2 Samuel 22:29-31
God keeps reminding me that how I live each day right now is me writing my history. A history that will be shared with others in the future. What do I want to be able to say? That we were miserable, discontent, and questioned God's plan OR that in spite of all the unknowns, we trusted God, made the most of our circumstances, and chose joy? Being a place we do not want to last long is fine but how we handle that time is up to us.
Each day I have choice to make: "Do I trust God to take care of me?" Will I chose to keep my eyes focused on Him rather than focusing on the problems at hand? Especially the significant problems that appear life changing to me in this moment?
How will I spend my time? Stressed, unhappy, and caustic or will I cast my cares upon God, spend more time in His word, and on my knees in prayer?
At the end of the day, what do I want my testimony to be? That is how I must I live! Some of the most meaningful testimonies I have heard are of people going through hard times, choosing joy, trusting God, doing hard things, and staying faithful. Through deaths, financial stress and/or ruin, divorce, cancer, chronic pain, or relationship issues, people I know testify to God's goodness and the life they lived revealed the Holy Spirit at work in and through their lives.
I want that. I have that. What I chose to do each day is on me, and me alone. What do you want your history to say? You are already writing it so think about what you want the remaining chapters to say.
I needed to watch a training video (complete Sexual Abuse Safety System for Camps and Conference Centers) to volunteer at camp...
My case was nearly textbook in every example. From the grooming, to the keeping secrets, to accidental touch, to the long term effects it had on me: depression, mood change, and alcohol abuse, the list goes on. I was crying while watching it and as I started to sink into “stinking thinking,” I was prompted to claim the blood of Jesus and His power. “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39, NRSV). I am thanking Jesus I am restored, healed by him and no longer controlled by the actions of a man I had no control over.
I have grown so much spiritually and am grateful that I am able to hear the softest voice prompting me to remain in Him.
Ministry Safe provided the training I took and it is extremely well done and "spot on" from my perspective and experience. They include a section about the "gatekeepers," the people responsible for keeping the children safe and again, textbook example of my experience.
Family Watchdog allows you to search for offenders in any area you chose (city, zip code, school zone, etc.) and is FREE. However, as Ministry Safe says, "Checking for criminal convictions alone will not protect children in children's programs. Statistically, less than 10 percent of sexual offenders are ever criminally prosecuted, because children do not report abuse until years later, if ever. As a result, approximately 90 percent of offenders have no criminal record to check." Yet another reason careful screening of volunteers is important.
If you are a volunteer and are required to go through training, have a background ran on you, and character references, not to mention interview questions that are unexpected, PLEASE submit to the process with the understanding that lives are at stake and whatever measures the ministry deems necessary are for their protection, which is what we should all desire: safe places for our children to grow up.
Here is an excerpt from my biography,
Things took a bad turn for me when I was 15. Unfortunately, the choice of another hurt me deeply and I became a rape victim. For five years, I kept this incident a secret but my behaviors and personality took a turn for the worse. I was no longer content and joyful. I lived with knowing that God could have stopped it from happening and chose not to. I resented Him for that.
By the time I was 20, I was faced with helping someone else who had been raped by the same man and I released the burden I had been carrying alone for years. My family was supportive and loving through the whole process. Through counseling, I slowly was able to see that God still loved me and had not given up on me.
There are many sites for you to go to for professional help and suggestions. These are my own.
What to do/not do when someone tells you they were sexually assaulted:
Do NOT suggest in the slightest that they did something to provoke the attack!
Do NOT ever say: "What did she expect when she dressed that way." "If she hadn't gone to that party then she wouldn't have been raped." "She shouldn't have drank so much." "She should have been paying better attention." "What did she think would happen?" "I hate to say it but, I'm not surprised."
Do NOT compare rape stories to someone else's experience. If it is your own story, you will have a better idea of what they need to hear. If it is not your own experience, do not offer someone else's story for comfort.
Do NOT sympathize with the offender with statements like, "He is sick," "He was drunk," and never say, "Boys will be boys"!
Know that you are a special person in which this survivor is trusting you! With that in mind, DO say empathetic statements like, "I have no idea what you are going through but I am so sorry."
DO offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Healing takes years and knowing people won't tell you to "move on," "let it go," or "I wish things were like they were before" is a very powerful tool for the survivor to have.
Just be there. Don't try to fix it, solve it, or treat the situation as a problem that needs addressed. Listen, empathize, love, and support the survivor and their families.
Remember the family but focus on the survivor.
If you are in a position that requires you to report the incident, NEVER promise you won't tell. Report the abuse to your supervisor immediately. If you are not in a position that is require to report abuse and it is has not been reported, offer to be there with them when they report it, stand by their side, and encourage them to report the abuse. (This is not legal advise, this is a non-professional survivor speaking).
I could go on but focusing on Sexual Abuse Awareness Month, be aware! Watch this video by a mom and BE AWARE!
Even though my blog has suffered terribly since I went back to school, rest assured - I am still writing! I completed 21 credits in the fall and am in my last class for this semester, which makes 15 credits. When I am not doing school work or work I have avoided my computer. I look forward to life slowing down A LITTLE since I completed my undergraduate classes and will graduate May 1st! Excited does not describe how I feel so I will let you think of words that describe your feelings for me. HA!
Hang tight, my friends. Posts are forming in my head and heart and I will get them on here soon.
There is always this uncomfortableness that happens when families collide at events for the child who had no choice in the decisions of their parents; yet they suffer the most. Last night was "Senior Night" for our daughter. It is a wonderful thing the team, in this case, volleyball, does to honor the seniors and their parents. We are not the only blended family at our delightfully small private Christian school, but there aren't many (which is WONDERFUL!!!).
All that to say, in the past, I have only participated in the senior night at our big public school with our older sons. It was nice but certainly not the fan fare that it is at our current school. At the public school, our son had to chose who was going to walk out with him (his mother or me); not both. Here, we all were included and immediate family was welcome to join us on the court.
I am always prepared to allow whatever parent recognition there is to go to the biological mom. I plan for it and am ready for the situation as a step-mom. The most amazing thing happened last night. BOTH of us were honored! We were both given a rose from the team and it was SO special. It was one of the best times I have experienced with her mom present.
Today, I just want to shout out that our little school brought this moma joy. Our daughter did not have to chose between the two of us and we could all be out there supporting the person who keeps our paths crossing.
My daughter is getting on a plane today and flying across the world. I am so proud of her. She is stepping up and out and finding her strength in Jesus and I would not want it any other way!
A word of advise - don't ask me how I am today. Don't ask me if I am almost done with my final project. When it's complete, rest assured I will announce it from my Facebook platform with a megaphone. Even the nonchalant, "So, how's it going?" could be enough to send me over the edge.
I'll tell you right now... I miss my daughter. I can't help but have some fears but I am at peace with her trip and know she is in far better hands than my own. Yes, that says a lot coming from me. I trust her team leader but more importantly, I trust God. So, here I am. Wishing I was there to see her off. Here I sit, blogging when I have a HUGE final project that I have tons of ideas for but have yet to actually WRITE any of it. And yes, that stresses me out.
In fact, there is a high possibility that if you say ANYTHING or DO anything, I might cry. My emotions are that close to the surface and I hate showing vulnerability like that so, maybe you all should just avoid me today. And half of tomorrow.
I will tell you this, though, if tomorrow comes, and I haven't stabbed anyone, this meme speaks my mind:
Your prayers work just as well from over there as they do right here. You aren't praying TO me, anyway, so go ahead and pray for me, if you want. It's obvious I could use them.
And for my daughter and her team. They actually need them more than I do.
Oh, maybe pray for my family, too. They have to deal with me.
Why do grades matter so much to me? I love learning and do not think about grading when I am doing 99% of my assignments, yet, I stalk the grade book for the grades to be posted!
I am taking two independent studies this session, working hard on finishing up some required classes I need. They are the first independent studies I have taken and I had no idea what to expect.
I feel a little like Calvin does:
My two professors are about as different as night and day when it comes to assignments and grading; not that one is better or worse than the other, just different. I am enjoying both classes and stress equally over grades in both classes.
Most of my professors have challenged me in amazing ways and I can say the same about the two I have now. Challenging me to think deeper, write clearer, and express my thoughts better are common occurrences in my classes; and I love it!
Many of my assignments do not have a right or wrong answer. If I follow the instructions and do the work well, I get full credit (yes, a 100%). I follow the instructions, check the requirements a couple of times and spend a good deal of time on the assignments (just ask my family).
So, I have only had three classes where there were assignments with true "right" or "wrong" answers. Through all of my classes, I have maintained a 4.0 since my time at Barclay began a year ago, 39 credits in three semesters. So, when I read about Calvin and his 75% being a "C," I hear his argument, and like most arguments Calvin has, it is worth listening to:
In fact, I wonder if any of my professors keep a bottle of Maalox or TUMS with them when they read my e-mail responses to their comments; especially when it has to do with my grades.
I will admit to having one of my teachers double check a couple of grades and then I did my own calculating of the entire class and had the good sense to be embarrassed when I saw that I had a 98% and I was asking her to check a few other grades... she did and corrected an error (I corrected an assignment), graciously. She did not tell me she rolled her eyes or sighed heavily but, again, I wonder if she upped her TUMS intake while I was her student.
So, when I got a 98% on a big project this week, my first response was to wonder what I did wrong. God gave me the gift of perfecting things, but really, I need to breathe more. I need to enjoy the whole process, not stress over an A grade, work hard, but enjoy the ride, too.
My identity is not my GPA. It's not my credit score, my driving score, or my income. Doing the best I can and remembering that I am a child of the King is what matters.
One of my teachers told me, "It's okay to have high expectations of yourself. Just don't let those expectations get in the way of learning."
I'll re-read this post as needed... Thank you very much.
They said the road to hell is paved with good intentions... but I say it's paved with too many good ideas from Pinterest! Not that I'm on the road to hell because of Pinterest; I am not on the road to hell at all. Never mind, let me try this again.
I began Lent with this AWESOME idea I saw on Pinterest. It was a wonderful idea. It fulfilled many of things I desire our daily life to be - about loving others and expressing that love.
Then life happened. This is one of the last #RAK we did. It was fun! The kids enjoyed it and we left before we saw any of the dollars were found. We were sneaky and it was something the kids really felt a part of. The last #RAK we did was taping bags of quarters to washing machines at the laundry mat in the poorer part of town. We had a great conversation about owning washers and dryers and expenses. We enjoyed the #RAK and expressing our love.
Then I got sick. I was down for three days and got behind in other things and #RAK took a vacation. I had every intention of filling spring break with TONS of #RAK but... one day turned into another and soon break was over.
Today is the last day of Lent. I totally flopped on the whole #RAK family activity. I just had to tell you. It began good, but..., well, it ended.
Another confession? I tried to wake and pray at 7:03 like I was challenged to. I failed. I slept snoozed through the #Ifpray703 alarm so many times that pretty soon, I stopped setting it. TOTALLY FLOPPED!!!!
We followed through on ONE thing during Lent this year. And you know what? It was THE MOST IMPORTANT of all. We did the #LentChallenge and read through the four Gospels as a family. WE DID IT! It was, by far, the most important time we spent together as a family and of all the things we could have completed, I am filled with joy that this is the one we finished.
So, in true fashion of keeping it real, I pretty much dropped the ball on everything but reading the Bible and I am at complete peace with that.
We did the best we could and when push came to shove, we kept the right priority.
Whatever goals I set in 2014 were sidelined when I returned to school full-time in February. Since then, my "job" has been being a student! I had two weeks off in the summer and one of those weeks was spent at Kids Camp. My Christmas break just ended and it was the first time since I started classes that I had two weeks off in a row while home. IT WAS WONDERFUL! While I love learning and my on-line classes, I forgot how much I missed focusing on my family, hanging out with them, and reading for the sake of pleasure/escape. I am now "back at it" but am looking forward to a lighter load this semester.
New Years was spent in McCall relaxing and playing games with my family. For the fifth year now, we have left the regular life and escaped to the mountains to get away and spend time with each other. I am so glad my parents are able to join us for these getaways and the memories we make will be with us forever. This year, we taught the little boys how to play Rook. They are now hooked and I look forward to more evenings spent playing this OLD card game.
Time keeps passing and my DH and I are looking forward to our sabbatical next week on the Oregon Coast. While I will still have my school work and he will still need to check in on his work, we know God is going to use this time to speak to us individually and during our times as a couple. We are still seeking His will on our future plans but have peace about the unknowns (so far).
I would like to say that I will be better about posting here but all I can say is I will try and post more often. While in classes, it is hard for me to think of sitting here at the computer more than I am and I do not want to bore you with my scholarly posts that I am pondering for school. Hopefully, I can find a nice balance.
I came close to recording 1,000 gifts but fell short at 930. Perhaps 2015 is the year I count 1,000 gifts.
Until then, here is to a year seeking God, growing spiritually, and continuing life-long goals of:
Continuing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University baby steps.
Spanish - still need immerse myself in the language but am waiting for God to open those doors.
Living in a way that brings glory to God in my actions, possessions, and life.
There are some exciting things happening this year! To God be the glory!
My original post title was: Grief Sucks. But, I would not say "sucks" in front of my Auntie; nor do I say it in front of my Moma when I have my wits about me; so I changed it to "stinks." Because it does. Grief is never welcomed. It is never wanted. It is not my friend. After reading the words my great-aunt shared, though, I think I should re-think something. Perhaps, RAW, GUT-WRENCHING, PHYSICAL HEARTACHE PAIN stinks but grief changes, moves, and is part of a journey. I do not care for this part of the journey and I let God know my thoughts on the whole thing. I even used the word sucks with Him because while He loves me as I am; while He accepts me as I am; as He takes me as I am; He is working in me and someday that word may change in my vocabulary and I will find a more polite way of describing my feelings. Until then, stinks, sucks, and whatever word aptly describes what no words can convey will suffice.
My Great-Aunt Ella shared these words to my Uncle and his family, "Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love."
I looked up these words and the whole poem is:
Grief never ends,
But it changes.
It’s a passage,
Not a place to stay.
The sense of loss
Must give way
If we are to value
The life that was lived.
Grief is not a sign of weakness;
Nor lack of faith.
It is the price of love.
~author unknown~
I have a pretty special family. We have the hope in Jesus Christ to strengthen us and give us peace that we know that my Auntie is in heaven; her real home.
I am just selfish. I was not ready to say good-bye; nor ever would be ready. Many feel the same.
"Clean house" can mean different things to different people.
If you asked my Mom what it means to clean house, she would probably reply, "dust, vacuum, sweep, mop, clean the bathrooms, wash the windows...". You get the idea.
As a person in recovery and you might get a totally different answer! You might hear:
It's step 4
It's steps 4-10
It means "keeping your side of the street clean." (Which would launch into what that means. ha!)
For me, the two are connected now. The more cluttered my home is, the more cluttered my thoughts are. When my house is clean, I feel better, I think better, I act nicer.
Why, then, don't I keep my house clean? Sadly, I don't have an answer for you. The Holy Spirit is nudging me to simplify the physical side of my life, though. I need to be obedient in this.
I can tell you this, I am ready for my DH to back the dump trailer up to the front door and haul out everything I throw at him. That would be a good first step at cleaning house.
I can also say, I am grateful for:
1) Tools I learned in AA for dealing with real life. "Trust God, Clean house, Help others."
2) A beautiful home.
3) Having a dump trailer at my disposal.... pun intended!
Not as disturbing as the "before" photos, though. You are welcome.
BOYS! The "lid" of the toilet is not a backboard. I know you are shocked. It's not intended to be a game or goal to shoot your pee on the lid and score points if it shoots through the toilet seat' my toilet seat. Shocker, I know.
Also, even when you remember to put the seat up, my seat, the game does not change in that you try to shoot your pee through the lid hole and hope it bounces back into the toilet bowl. You do not "get points" for this sport. In fact, you lose points. You lose big time.
The main problem here, boys, is that the pee does not make into the toilet bowl. Far from it. The splatter effect hits its mark on the wall, counter's side, floor, and all over the back of the toilet.
Mommy does not like this. She does not like this at all.
You see, sons, this is mommy's bathroom. Mommy's. MINE! and well, frankly, I am tired of cleaning up after your pee in my bathroom.
When mommy has to get out the "big guns" in order to clean up after you, it is bad. Bad for you, that is. You know you're in trouble when I have to call in pumice stone and a toothbrush.
Speaking of, do you recognize the toothbrush? I wouldn't use it if I were you.
I wouldn't use the toilet as a basketball hoop, either, though.
In the future, use wisdom and stay out of mommy's bathroom.
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